Pointless
by borderline-mary
Summary: What would Kurama and Hiei REALLY do if they found two unconscious demon girls? Somehow I doubt they'd take them home . . . Ch. 2: Yuusuke and Kuwabara
1. Pointless

Pointless

_This was inspired by the summary to a fanfic. I don't remember what fic it was, or where I found it. However, it detailed two unconscious girls being found by Hiei and Kurama, who subsequently took them home, whereupon hilarious hijinks (and random Canon/OC romance) ensued. I present for you my take on this particular plot variant. Enjoy._

* * *

Kurama and Hiei were in the park.

Shuuichi Kurama Minamino (plant master, youko and former expert seducer) and Hiei of the Jagan (half-koorime, wielder of the Dragon, and all-around badass), demons extraordinaire and currently paroled as Reikai Tantei, had absolutely no reason to be in the park. Not one.

"Why, exactly, are we here?" Hiei asked of his partner in typical irritated fashion.

"We're here because we haven't left yet," responded Kurama coolly, eliciting a glare at his statement of the obvious. "We haven't decided what to do, you'll recall."

"I know that," Hiei snapped. "I mean, why did we come here in the first place?"

Kurama thought about this for a moment. "Weren't we out for a walk?"

The Jaganshi gave him a withering look. "I do not go for walks," he said in dry and disgusted tones. He gestured pointedly at their surroundings. "Especially not here."

"But Hiei, this is the park. It's a perfect place to take a walk. Aren't the flowers lovely?"

"I. Do. Not. Take. Walks."

Kurama shrugged. "Fine. We can go to the Makai and train, if you prefer."

"Much."

"But first," the kitsune reminded, "we have to decide what to do about them." He indicated the two unconscious females under the nearby bush with a fluid motion of his hand. They were young, attractive, sporting various cuts and bruises, and quite possibly slightly demonic; it was hard to tell in this light. They did, however, clearly have long and flowing tresses and awfully adorable clothes.

"Nothing at all," said Hiei immediately. "It's not our problem."

"You said that already, Hiei, but it's not quite that simple," Kurama protested.

Hiei would not budge. "Yes, it is. We should not be here. We have no reason to be here, because we are not going for a walk and will never be going for a walk, here or anywhere, ever. Therefore we should not have found them and should do nothing about them." He turned away. "I'm leaving."

Kurama forestalled him with an outstretched hand. "Think about this for a moment, Hiei. They're not human."

Hiei's look of disinterest became pronounced. "So?"

"They're in the human world."

"And?"

"They shouldn't be here," Kurama finished, frustrated at having to carry his point all the way out.

"Demons cross the border all the time. You know that. It's half the reason that idiot Yuusuke still has a job." Hiei's patience was clearly thinning even further. "I once more fail to see how it has anything to do with us."

"We're Reikai Tantei. It's our job also," the fox reminded him.

"Fine. We're Reikai Tantei. We put down demons who cause trouble. Are these two causing trouble?"

Kurama looked taken aback. "No, not really." He recovered swiftly. "But they might once they're awake."

Hiei eyed the two girls and snorted. "Not likely. With injuries that minor they shouldn't even be unconscious—they'll be no threat even to a human child."

Kurama considered. "Their youki feels extremely strong, though. Perhaps they've been knocked out by poison or the like?"

The fire demon shrugged. "Perhaps. So if they start killing humans, we'll track them down and destroy them. Until then, I'm still leaving."

"But one looks like a kitsune," the redhead said with some minor desperation, pointing.

Hiei didn't even look. "Wonderful. Have your family reunion without me."

"And one's a fire demon!"

"Yes, because _that's_ uncommon."

"They look like they need help!"

"They look," said Hiei, "like bait."

"Bait for what?"

"Hell if I know."

There was an interval of silence. "But what if they could be a valuable resource for our team?" asked Kurama finally, after far too long a moment of groping for words. "New team members, even? We haven't had new friends in a long time."

Hiei actually laughed, without really sounding as though he found that statement funny. "I'd like to keep it that way."

"Replacements!"

"So we can be free to waste our time taking walks?"

Searching for one last bastion of defense against Hiei's ruthless logic, Kurama made the mistake of saying the first thing that came into his head at that juncture.

"They're cute."

Hiei slowly turned again to stare at him as though he'd grown a set of fins. His eyes flicked from the redhead to the girls under the bush and back again as he attempted and failed to believe he'd just heard that sentence come out of Kurama's mouth.

Then he blew up the bush.

"Hiei!" Kurama cried, shocked as his eyes beheld the smoldering crater with its rim of blackened grass and the tiny shreds of clothing and what looked like skin that were floating down in a cloud of ashes and sparks (how sloppy of Hiei, to have failed to obliterate them entirely). "Why did you do that?"

Hiei shrugged, still appearing (but only because Kurama knew him) slightly disturbed. "We had a problem. Now we don't."

"You can't just kill people like that!"

"Demons," Hiei corrected smoothly. "We're Reikai Tantei. We put down demons who cause trouble. They—" and he indicated the crater with a jerk of his head "—were causing trouble for _me."_

"But we're in the Ningenkai! You can't just blow things up and expect no one to notice!"

Hiei smirked. "We'll have to leave swiftly, then. We'd do better not to be here once the human authorities arrive."

Kurama stared at his friend for a long, long moment, then blinked as if to clear his vision, and suddenly looked slightly confused. His forehead wrinkled as he studied the smoking hole in the ground as though he hadn't noticed it yet. Then he glanced at the imiko and spoke in a tone that sounded more than a trifle surprised. "You're right. We really ought to have left earlier." He frowned. "I really don't know what I was thinking."

"Hn." The Jaganshi shook his head and made a sour face. "I don't think you were."

Kurama smiled. "Quite. You have my apologies."

"Good enough."

"To the Plains of Waste, then?"

"Fine with me."

"You could have begun a forest fire."

"Shut up."

The two of them slipped away into the trees.

* * *

_Random, I know—sorry for Kurama being OOC. Call it brain overflow from my long fic, as well as from all the other stuff I've been reading/working on. Please, tell me what you think; it's been a while since I've done humor. _


	2. Scenario Rewind

Scenario Rewind

_In this I've stuck Yuusuke and Kuwabara in the same situation as before: finding two unconscious Mary-Sue girls under a bush in the park. I think this one is a little less funny than the first, but it was still amusing to write. Hopefully you all enjoy it anyway._

* * *

It was close to midnight, and the park was not as tranquil as it ought to have been at this hour. Shouts, minor explosions, and the dull sound of fists on flesh formed a minor cacophony that, fortunately, did not reach beyond the park's boundaries. The two combatants might have had trouble otherwise, of a sort they didn't usually handle well.

"Hey Urameshi, check it out!"

Yuusuke blinked in a moment of surprise and consternation as his ostensible target—Kuwabara—vanished from where he'd been standing, arms raised to block and about to have his face caved in regardless; the Tantei altered course in mid-punch to avoid creaming an innocent tree-trunk instead, and managed to land in a manner that wasn't entirely disgraceful to his martial arts training. It was fairly close, however, and he growled his annoyance as he picked himself up. His t-shirt was terminally grass-stained.

"What the hell, man? I was in the middle of beating you up! How am I s'posed to get any decent training done if you run like a sissy?"

The jibe was ignored. Kuwabara was yards away. "C'mere and look at this!"

His friend sighed. "What, did you find a kitten or something? I swear, how you can call yourself manly when you coo over anything with fur—"

"I do not!" yelled Kuwabara indignantly, glaring but not moving from his new position, pointing at the base of a bush. "And it's not a kitten, it's a girl!"

"Really?" His attention caught at this, Yuusuke hopped nimbly over to perch on his friend's back, ignoring the yelps of protest as the taller boy's face met dirt, and peer intently at the spot Kuwabara had been indicating so dramatically. There _was_ a girl there—two, in fact, and looking banged up from something or other. "Learn to count," he mocked absently, trying to study them. They felt human to him, and it looked like they—

"PUNK!" Kuwabara bucked him off, causing him to impact painfully on his head in the uneven grass. He didn't even bother saying "Ow," given that he'd deserved it anyway, but he did give his sparring partner a good shove in recompense and so he could get a better look.

"Move over already!"

"Screw you, Urameshi!"

After much jockying for space, they finally fell still and took in the discovery that had interrupted their training/grudge match: Two girls, definitely human, definitely out cold. One of the girls had black hair, and the other had orange hair. They were both kinda hot. That was about as much as Yuusuke could say for sure. Although…

"She kinda looks like you, Kuwabara," he said with accusatory flair, and gave a nod at the one with orange hair. "Sure you only have one sister?"

"Of course!" was the instant answer; but it was only reflexive. "She looks like you, too, Urameshi. What's up with that?"

"She does not, moron!"

"I meant the other one!"

"Oh. Sure, fine, a little." He regarded the black-haired girl. "She does kinda have her hair spiked like mine. It looks weird on a girl, though."

"What're they doing here? There aren't any demons or bullies nearby, so why're they unconscious?" Kuwabara wondered, puzzled. "I know I wouldn't be sleeping here on purpose."

"I dunno. Maybe they got ambushed by thugs, or dumped from somewhere else in town. I don't recognize either of them from school—I'd have remembered someone else with _your_ hair."

His friend appeared to abruptly realize the cuts and bruises that decorated the girls' visible skin. "Never mind that! They look like they were in a pretty bad fight! We have to do something!"

Yuusuke snorted and rolled his eyes. "You and protecting girls. Sheesh. Like what exactly?"

"We should call the police, shouldn't we?" replied Kuwabara with all the conviction of someone who had clearly not thought it all the way through.

"No _way_ we can call the cops—they're practically girl versions of us." Yuusuke was mildly thoughtful for a moment before adding, "Except the one with your hair isn't an ugly freak of nature."

"You take that back, Urameshi!"

"Why, you want her to be ugly?" the detective taunted. "Can't date outside your own kind?"

"Shut up, you rat!" yelled his partner. "I'm not any uglier than you on a good day with your hair spiked up so tall you look like you're tryin' to rip off Hiei, and there's no way I'd cheat on my beautiful Yukina with some girl I found under a bush in the park! What we have is true love!"

"You have to be dating to cheat," shot back Yuusuke. "Look, the point is we can't get the cops involved 'cause they'd ask too many questions, okay?"

Kuwabara grimaced but didn't yell again. "Fine. So what should we do?"

Yuuskue shrugged. "No idea."

"We can't just leave them, can we?" The carrot-top was uncertain and a tad uncomfortable about it. "They look hurt and stuff." He leaned in. "Not really bad, though…"

"Why not? They'll probably wake up just fine in the morning. Their ki feels strong and everything—it's not like they're bleeding everywhere."

"You're just lazy, Urameshi! They need help and you're not even man enough to give it to them!"

Another eye-roll. "Fine, chill. We can take them to your place or something," the black-haired boy suggested. "Your big sis could help 'em."

Kuwabara looked like he'd been shot in the face with a steel bolt at the prospect, and lost some of his bluster about chivalry. "She'll kill me! She knows I love Yukina and she'll think I'm two-timing!"

"Like you could ever have that many girls. So tell her it's my fault."

"No way, nuh-uh, I'm not gonna risk gettin' my head slammed into the floor by someone even meaner than you!" There was a very convincing element of terror behind his denial.

"Well I can't take them to my house!" Yuusuke said with exasperated belligerence. "My mom barely knows how not to kill guests—the last time I got hurt there Botan had to fix my cuts! And Keiko—" He shuddered. "I don't even wanna think about what Keiko would do to me. She'd think I was sneaking around for sure."

"It'd be easy to tell from all the handprints on their—" A solid elbow strike to the crown of his skull silenced the rest of Kuwabara's taunt. "Ow! Urameshi!"

"Shut up and let me think a little!"

Kuwabara menaced him, almost seeming to be ready to draw his rei ken. "I'm gonna take you apart for that!"

"As if. If you're not gonna let me think, what's your idea?"

Blink. Distinct loss of momentum. "Uh, I guess… um, take them to Koenma?"

Yuusuke almost cracked up, and definitely did smirk incredulously. "No fucking way, man. We'd have to use Botan and she'd make fun of us, and Koenma's not a missing person's bureau. They're not demons so he won't care." He dropped his smirk to a disgusted frown. "He'd also make jokes about us being made for each other or some crap like that. You wanna deal with that?"

"Uh, no… but—!"

"Then be quiet for half a second."

Kuwabara scowled.

Free, for an interval, of distraction, Yuusuke put a hand to his chin in thought and let a few minutes tick by, during which the other boy rubbed his head gingerly and appeared vastly aggrieved by the nasty bump. He was just getting revved up for some more real pissiness when Yuusuke snapped his fingers in triumph.

"Hah! I got an idea!" he crowed.

"I hope it's not us dragging them all the way to Genkai's," Kuwabara muttered. " 'Cause I already thought of that, and it sucks."

"Nope, someplace a lot closer. Not so many stairs." It was hard to contain his glee at this opportunity for pranking and mischief. "I know where we can leave 'em that they'll get taken extra special care of, no problem, and we won't even have to do anything."

The other Tantei was now more curious than hurt. "Like where?"

Yuusuke was gathering up the black-haired girl and slinging her over his shoulder as he spoke. "You'll see. Grab yours and follow me."

-o- -o- -o-

Yuusuke snickered as the two of them unloaded their burdens in front of the door, putting one over the other in a careless pile. "This is just like when I used to hit the bell to mess with people."

"Yeah," Kuwabara agreed. " 'Cept they're nicer than bags of crap."

"You did the bags of crap thing? What are you, six?"

"I was at the time and it was really funny then, okay?"

"Oi, take a chill. You're gonna ruin it."

"Sorry." As they arranged the girls more artfully, Kuwabara glanced at his companion. "You know he's gonna kill us for this, Urameshi."

"Yeah, well, he'll get over it. And in the meantime, it'll be fun as hell to outrun him."

"Heh. Definitely. Let's go—now!"

A thumb shot out at near-demonic speed and jabbed the button hard. _Brrrrrring._

The sound of madly running footsteps had almost died away when the door opened quietly on the midnight air. Tired and bleary eyes beheld the two sleeping girls, sprawled and oh-so-lovely on the stoop; and resting delicately atop the black-haired one's back was a note, anchored with a piece of tape:

'_For Shuuichi—we figured they were probably yours anyway. Good luck, man!'_

"Oh, dear," said Mrs. Minamino.


End file.
